No fear of the grizzly

Two years ago this month I blogged about that great big grizzly bear (otherwise known as cancer) that confronted us (Dee and me) as if when walking around to the corner shop for a bottle of milk. Dee had been diagnosed with non-hodgkinson's lymphoma. Then exactly one year ago I told of how, after the most aggressive chemotherapy, she was signed off as untreatable with only 'weeks or months' to live. She duly died 29th November last.

Now it's my turn to meet that grizzly, having a couple of weeks back been diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. Tumours have invaded my bones. I am having hormone therapy that will hopefully stem the rate of proliferation and the growth of these tumours at least for some time and maybe even for some years but that great big old grizzly does loom large.

So now for me it's taking stock time. That is, taking stock of my past seventy nine years; the things I have done and the things I regret having have left undone. And of the present; living alone if surrounded by good people, good friends and close but distant family (even if with much of life's flavour faded away following the death of  Delia). And of the future; how best to use the time I have left and the sixty four dollar question: then what? Anything?

I'll be addressing all three stock-takes in the following blogs, but let me say just one thing now; I have no fear. Really. Life is an adventure for each of us if it is to mean any damn thing at all, and death is an even bigger - indeed is an ultimate and inevitable adventure. Pain is an irrelevance. If one believes in the promised land one has to say just; bring it on!

1 comment:

  1. You reminded me of a scene in Peter Pan. Hook leaves him and Wendy to die by drowning on a rock in the sea, but a kite comes their way. Only strong enough to lift one of them to safety...

    "Let us draw lots," Wendy said bravely.

    "And you a lady; never." Already he had tied the tail round her. She clung to him; she refused to go without him; but with a "Good-bye, Wendy," he pushed her from the rock; and in a few minutes she was borne out of his sight. Peter was alone on the lagoon.

    The rock was very small now; soon it would be submerged. Pale rays of light tiptoed across the waters; and by and by there was to be heard a sound at once the most musical and the most melancholy in the world: the mermaids calling to the moon.

    Peter was not quite like other boys; but he was afraid at last. A tremour ran through him, like a shudder passing over the sea; but on the sea one shudder follows another till there are hundreds of them, and Peter felt just the one. Next moment he was standing erect on the rock again, with that smile on his face and a drum beating within him. It was saying, "To die will be an awfully big adventure."


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