Gimme the job

I heard recently that applications have been invited for the post of Governor of the Bank of England, the incumbent apparently being ready for honourable retirement. Thinking, toether with Tim Dowling of  The Guardian I could do that I sent in my application. Unfortunately it did not, to the best of my knowledge, get past the Bank's post room. However to my astonishment, not to say excitement, the rejection signed by one Alexander Platz was succeeded in short order by the following. I would like to share it with you today so that you may say in future times, 'I knew him when he was just a banker in the Scottish Highlands.'

Dear Mr Dowling

I have received and have reviewed a copy of my colleague's (Alexander Platz's) response on the matter of your application. I thought it a little harsh, to be honest (I am noted for honesty) and as Mr Platz's ultimate boss, I would wish to invite you in for interview.

The post of Governor of the Bank of England has come in for much criticism, indeed much misplaced hilarity of recent times. I feel that the whole tone and tenor of your application does merit serious consideration by myself, my much maligned deputy and my Rate Setting Panel. Of course I must add that any recommendation I/we make must be agreed by the P.M. and his cabinet as well as  by the Big Five Banks and the Chair of Goldman Sachs in New York City.

Before your interview I would suggest that in your own best interests you might consider the following ...
  • Apply to join my Club in St James' Square. It will help if you answer the question about schooling simply 'Eton College.' We will assume credibility on the grounds that gentlemen do not fabricate direct untruths although occasional this mantra lets us down, vis a viz in the case of the late Chairmen of Barclays and of  The Royal Bank of Scotland, amongst regrettably many others.
  • Gain at small cost a Doctorate  in Law and one in Politics from the university of Banga-Wanga in The Phillipines
  • Practice your speech-making, perhaps taking as your model the current Mayor of London without necessarily adopting much of his unbankerly ebullience, not to say his erratic wildness of behaviour.
  • Learn how to spell.
  • Enlist the support of the Professor Emeritus of Mathematics at Oxford University so that, in all those irksome money matters, you may call upon him for answers to questions like, 'How much does my Bank or my Nation owe the world this day'.
  • Wear at interview your best and dullest suit of clothes with a white shirt and a blue tie. Eschew the suede brothel-creepers. Oh, and shave off that beard. Beards are considered unreliable, you know.
  • Do not on any account ask the interview panel questions appertaining to where might be the gold and how much do we have. The penultimate Chancellor and I would find that a little embarrassing.
Good Luck Tim! (If I may be so bold in the use of your Christian name, assuming you are one.)


Lord Emperor of Ilkley Moor (Note: I definitely do have a hat, ha ha! We are not without a sense of humour here in Threadneedle Street, tha knows!)
Keeper of the Keys to the National Printing Press, incumbent.
Winner of the School Prize for mental arithmatic, 1948.

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